Earlier today, there were some shake-ups at home, and at the end of it all I was feeling incomparably sorry for myself and below-rock-bottom pathetic. That's not usually a big deal, because it doesn't take much anyway. But what I didn't expect was what I got out of just lying in bed thinking about it. So here it is. No names. This is just for my satisfaction.
1. You have major issues. So does she, and so does that other one. The fact that you blame everything on her and how it's all her fault I've turned out this way, is a clear sign of that. If it really is bad upbringing, then why the hell didn't you set it right? Oh, wait, that's right - you weren't around. And even when you were it's not like you made a difference.
2. The fact that you weren't around is also the reason I never talk to you unless I absolutely need to. Plus, it's not like you've ever tried - yet you expect me to be able to open up and confess everything to you with the snap of a finger. Well guess what. It doesn't bloody work that way. Either you take it all or nothing. You opted for nothing a long time ago, so there's no use whining about it now.
3. Now you. I used to believe everything you said. I held it sacred, and I've been trying so hard all my pathetic life not to let you down. He's another story, he's got major issues, but you - I honestly felt that I made you proud. You've always been reassuring and sometimes just knowing that at least you cared for me got me through. But as of late you've been using all your emotional blackmail crap to manipulate me and make me do things that you want - and then you justify it saying it was for my own good, even when it clearly makes me unhappy. And then you tell me to forget about it because it's all in the past. WTF. Having said that, I'm now doubting all those other times I've taken your advice and emulated your behaviour. Now, I want to be nothing like you, and judging by how many times you've cried that I've let you down, I'm doing a hell of a job.
4. I've constantly measured myself by your standards. I've been a complete doormat, I admit, but you know what? I felt like, if this gets you to respond positively, it's all worth it. And guess what. I can't remember the last time you did. And I'm sick and tired of waiting. Since I'm such a "disappointment" anyway, I might as well keep at it.
5. And you. I don't even know where to start with you. Maybe I have you to thank for some things. Thanks to you I know how many levels of anger and depression I can reach, and so far it's not driven me to do anything too stupid - so I must be stronger than I thought. And that helps a lot. But you know as well as I do that once you break my trust you don't get it back. Generally when I'm as close to someone as I was to you, I make exceptions, forget all the stupid little things, because such people are worth more to me than some stupid principles. But you've broken it in such a way that I wouldn't even know where to begin fixing it - if I was ever bothered to fix it at all. Yet you have the nerve to come to me and demand that we go back to how we were? Yeah, right. You've better chances of becoming Hrithik's best friend. And honestly I don't want you or any part of you back in my life. Not now, not ever. I've taken too many chances, and all in vain. Put simply, you're just not worth it.
I take back what I said in the last post about wanting God to take me already. Well not entirely. I want him to take me and put me somewhere far, far away.
P.S. Just after these things occurred to me, I read an article about how it's important (and essential to your health) to estrange people who drain the life out of you and pretty much make your life a living hell. Hmm. Coincidence?
No comments:
Post a Comment