antisocial

I think I hate people. Wanna know why?

Just the other day I went to a party...and maybe it was just my foul mood (which is now THE mood for a lot of the time) but oh my God was I irritated. I wanted to slap everyone in sight, and I was on the verge of pushing someone down the stairs. And I don't mean for the heck of it so I could laugh at them either. Even the kids were annoying. Ugh. It just reminded me of why I've been avoiding people and keeping to myself. Coz really I think I might just kill them. Or at least hurt them really badly.

And you know what this reminds me of? My old self. The person I used to be before I learned to hold my tongue when I want to say something mean. The person I didn't like and would never have made friends with if I'd met me. Bleh.

But I had a good reason for being so bitter. At least I think I did. And I feel that way now. Again.

Because people really are horrible creatures. When I'm all loud and completely out there, I tend to overlook the little things they do and say that make them who they are. And more often than not, they're awful enough for me to despise them with all my heart.

But I can be nice. If they do it once, I forget about it - for the moment. Twice, that's still okay, I suppose. Thrice...cause for concern but not irreparable. Beyond that, the seed of doubt not only gets planted, but it's watered and cared for by the aforementioned uglies. Although I do honestly think I must have had this going on in the back of my head when I made my own friends. Because the people I call my friends aren't on my mind when I say 'people'. Moving on...

But like I said, I learned to overlook that. But now that I've gone back into my little shell, I'm noticing all those things again. I don't know if it's just me but they seem that much more pronounced now. Needless to say, that's not helping my view of things.

And these things, they...make me violent. They make me want to hurt people. Maybe not so much physically, but everyday at least thrice I have to physically bite my tongue to keep from saying exactly what's on my mind. It's not easy, especially now that I've crossed the hopeless phase and discovering the exciting new territory of 'I don't give a crap anymore'. I'm trying to counter that with 'Keep your mouth shut anyway' and it's working so far. I'm as curious as anyone to see how much longer it lasts.

My Mom was telling me the other day that she doesn't like the fact that I've clammed up and become so cold. She wants me to talk about how I feel and all that. But if I'm holding back part of what I'm thinking, I hold back the rest, too. I'm no good at filtering my thoughts. It's all or nothing.

Besides, why would I want to express myself knowing it's not going to make a difference anyway?

God I hate people.