nostalgia

For some reason tonight I felt like logging into my Orkut account. And for a reason other than the original I started going through my scraps - or the the equivalent of wall posts on Facebook. They date back a few years, which seem so much longer ago than they really are, but I can only remember them the way you remember a dream you had last week. Foggy, and you're not sure what or how exactly everything happened anymore, but you're sure it did. Or at least you think so.

But I do know how different things were at that time. It's hard to believe it's only been a few years since then, yet so much has happened. So many things have changed. I would be lying if I said it all changed for the worse, but it didn't all change for the better, either. I think I knew at that point that things would be different a few years on, but I don't think I ever imagined being where I am today, feeling this way about those yesterdays.

I've always been told I'm an old soul, although I never quite understood why. But these days I'm beginning to. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I didn't have a choice but to grow up faster than my friends at school. Perhaps it had something to do with the way I take everything to heart, even if I don't seem to a lot of the time. All the laughs, the tears, the joys, the fears, and all the other things I would never have seen coming. All those people I met, and all the new friendships I forged. And then lost. It sounds stupid now to think about it all, knowing if I'd just taken the time to send a word every now and then things might have turned out differently. They've all affected me in ways I couldn't imagine, and they've left me the way I am today.

Looking back, I'm not sure how I feel about everything that has happened. Naturally there are things I'm glad have changed, and there are several more I wish had remained as they were. So promising and so....innocent. And I was so carefree. I used to tell myself I'm going to make the most of my time with my newfound freedom, and there are times I feel I've failed to do that to the level I'd once expected to. But now I think, maybe I didn't. Maybe I had the best of it and I just didn't have the sense or the maturity to stop and think, this is it, this is everything I want for the rest of my life.

But then again it forces me to rethink everything. Years from now, am I going to be missing this part of my life? I would say I doubt it, but I've made that mistake before. Things are still changing, and changing so fast - possibly faster than they ever have before. Maybe it will take less time for them to change, as much as they have over the past few years. Or more. No one really knows, and I wouldn't take their word for it if anyone told me anyway.

The fact that there's no way to make sure scares me more than almost anything. But at least I know I've grown up enough to appreciate most of what I have now, or try to - yet still be naive enough to believe that maybe that's enough to get me through to the next stage, and the next, til we reach the end.

Only time will tell. May God have mercy on all our souls.