so this is what it feels like

Sometimes when I'm thinking about everything that's happening, I feel so overwhelmed. I feel like a hero just having made it this far without having done anything most people would term "incredibly stupid". And as much as I wish it would, this moment of praise for my presence of mind doesn't linger.

Eventually my thoughts move on to everything that is probably going to happen once I get through what's happening now. Of course there's a good way and a bad way things can end, but I tend to place all my bets on the bad way, because that usually is what happens, and if that's not it, then it ends in a way that is neither good nor bad, at which point I'm back to square one.

Amidst all this thinking and complaining (mostly to myself), I do begin to feel, sometimes, the first few moments of what it must feel like to be engulfed by the insanity of it all. And to be completely honest, it's more appealing to me than to just live through all of it.

Which is why it really hits a nerve when people complain endlessly about something trivial. I'm not saying anything smaller than what I've been putting up with is trivial, but you have to draw the line somewhere. There are things in the world that are worse than finding out that your parents have decided not to get you your favourite car for your birthday. Seriously, man. Things like that make me sick.

On the other hand, just when you think you've got the rawest deal of all, meeting people who are going through much worse, and smiling through all of it, if anything, humbles you to the core. But only if you're willing to accept that the world does not revolve around you. It might sound like a simple thing to do (considering it's true) but it's not all that easy for a lot of people I've met.

There's people who refuse to believe that anyone could be worse off - and these are usually just being b*tches. Then there's people who really are worst off, but they somehow find it in themselves to believe they're not. And then there's the in-betweens.

I feel like I'm an in-between, and as ordinary as it sounds, it might actually be the worst place to be in. Because you're just stuck. If whatever is bothering you places you in-between, then it's definitely not trivial - yet it's not so bad that you should be complaining about it all that much. The whole thing is enough to just drive you crazy.

So much so, that:

1. You see the prospect of something much bigger thrown your way not for the disaster that it is, but rather as a relief. Because once you've turned numb from the familiar pains, you fool yourself into thinking nothing could possibly hurt you anymore.

and

2. You begin analyzing the process of your slow, yet inevitable insanity and document it on your blog.


Respect.

P.S. New Year. Right.