would you like some cheese to go with that whine?

It's happened. I've officially become a crybaby.

Seems like all I do anymore is whine and complain and whine some more. As if my life is really all that bad. As if I'm some lonely, confused teenager who doesn't know her place in life. I'm appalled at how pathetic I've become.

Things might not be any different, but that hardly gives me reason to complain all the time, does it? I'm sure if I was anyone else who knew me I'd be annoyed as hell. No wonder I can't keep my friends. I thought my true nature was acting like a total dork, making people laugh and being made to laugh in return. But maybe it isn't. Maybe whining is my true nature, and when someone's been around long enough to see it, they take it as their cue to leave. I don't blame them. Sooner or later the ones I have now are going to get sick of tending to my needs. I know some of them have already. It's not their fault. I would be, too.

It's come to a point where I'm finding hidden meaning in just about everything I hear, and never in a good way. Everything I experience, I somehow morph into something sad that's affecting me. I can't believe how self-absorbed I've become. As if everything is about me now.

I'd slap myself if I could. This is exactly what I had hoped WOULDN'T happen.

Anyway, I'm thinking of taking a hiatus from the online world. Disconnect, so to speak, and take the time to do some soul-searching. Mostly to see if I can find the undoubtedly minute remains of mine. Because coming online seems to have become my escape. My hunt for sympathy and pity and everything else that encourages me to think that being this way is normal. Along with a search for someone who is just as pathetic, if not more, so I'll feel better.

Geez, when did I get like this? I'm no fun anymore! :(

Tonight made me realize just how over the edge I have gone. And it's not pretty there. Normally I think I'd be happy to stay there if I knew someone was looking over to check if I was still okay once in a while. But I'm tired of that. It's time I climbed back out of the hole I've been digging for myself and developed some guts.

Wish me luck.