Over the past 3 weeks I've been through so many different states of mind that I've lost count. It ranges from anger to sadness to hopefulness to hopelessness, then back to anger...and it goes on. And it made me realize that I haven't actually been happy at all. I think this is by far the longest I've gone without it.
Right now I'm...kind of wallowing in hopelessness, and yet hoping that something somehow will just end this. I just know there's a huge cobra or python lurking around our house somewhere (there are eye witnesses to it). I wish it would spring up already. And I hope it's starving. I'd make for a filling meal, even if I say so myself.
Ironic as it is, this is exactly where I didn't want to be. I told myself in the very beginning I wouldn't let this happen. And yet here I am, complaining, because I'm not brave enough to fight and not strong enough to let go. I know I'm just bringing others down with me but I can't help but be selfish right now.
People keep telling me to get things done my way, no matter what it takes. One even told me to cry and scream until somebody listens. But it's not that easy. I don't forgive easily and I didn't develop that trait on my own. So it's doubtful that I'll ever be forgiven for it. But that's not even my biggest concern. There's just no point anymore because the decision has already been made against me, and worst of all, there's no one around who's willing to see things my way. I was probably being really stupid, expecting things to go in my favour at all. Because honestly, when has any decision ever been made according what I want? But I couldn't help thinking, maybe, maybe they will see. And this is where it's gotten me. Down below rock bottom with nowhere to turn and nobody to help me back up.
And I've no choice but to conclude: it just isn't worth living this way.
If only that damned snake would show up.
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